Carrying the Mother's Load; finding balance in modern parenthood

Never underestimate the effort it took every working parent to show up at work today!

Congratulations, parents! You've made it through the summer juggle of childcare, work, and everything in between. As September rolls in, it's back to school and typical workdays, but the balancing act continues, filled with its unique set of challenges.

What this week brings in organisation and best laid plans to get up early and on time, by the end of next week I'm sure you will be wading through the washing pile to find a clean school uniform, rushing to get the kids to breakfast club, barely cramming breakfast in. To be clear that is the kids breakfast, god forbid a parent gets to eat at the same time, too busy getting dressed in something half decent for work. Emphasis on half, as at least with online meetings we can slip on the comfies! Every morning is like wading through the proverbial washing pile.

From forgotten birthdays to lost school kits, school trips, packed lunches, and the impending winter school timetable of events, dark nights, clock change, plus no bank holiday to look forward to anytime soon, it can feel like an endless cycle of responsibilities and darkness with a little tinsel at the end of the tunnel! Let's not forget the cherry on top, that ever present mother's guilt.

Recently, a report by Mars Malteasers, titled "Let's Lighten the Load," shed light on the harsh realities faced by parents in the UK and the Netherlands. While much of the focus centred on working mums, it's essential to acknowledge the sobering statistics about working dads too. A staggering 78% of dads in the UK and 70% in the Netherlands often prioritise work over family.

This underscores a critical issue—the persistent expectation that fathers should prioritise their careers over family life. This outdated notion perpetuates traditional gender roles, extending into household responsibilities. The “Mothers Load” is therefore never a problem halved!

The concept of the "Mother's Load" goes beyond chores. It encompasses the unspoken tasks that typically fall to mothers, such as organising the kids birthday parties, purchasing presents, birthday cards for family (both sides!), school play (reminding partner of said play), parent/teacher meeting (reminder partner of said meeting), and on and on. Back to school, who organised all the uniform, the pencil cases, the haircuts, name labels? This is on top of all the deadlines you have to remember at work among all else that comes with parenting.

This division of labour between typical male and female roles needs reconsideration. While household chores may be shared, many of these invisible tasks continue to burden mothers disproportionately.

The report highlights the consequences of this load, revealing that 79% of UK mums and 49% in the Netherlands feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children. Paradoxically, they also experience guilt for not working enough.

Add to this the unrealistic standards perpetuated by social media, where the image of the "supermum" prevails, and parents are left feeling inadequate.

The Malteasers report offers valuable insights and takeaways for working mums and dads, colleagues and friends and family. Here's my perspective:

1. We need to give ourselves a little grace. You are doing it, it may not be perfect but as the Malteasers research and report states, be perfectly imperfect.

2. Set boundaries; both at work and home. If you were going to down tools at 5pm because things aren’t so busy at work today, do it. If you don’t have structured childcare that day (child ill, nanny/childminder sick) this is not the day to get a load of washing done, cook from scratch, bake cookies and be an all round supermum….you will be the one that loses, your fuse will be short and you won’t accomplish what you set out to do and the house will be full of half arsed, well intended but failed tasks. Write a list of minimum accomplishments for the day and do no more and if you do less, tomorrow is another day.

3. Share the admin load. Join the school what’s app group and if you can get your partner on it. Get your partner on all the school emails and ask them to keep an eye out too for dates, trips, if there are two of you across this surely things are less likely to fall through the net?! Well there is hope!

4. Make time in your diary out of bounds. Block off the school run, block off the 9-9.30 slot, no one likes rushing into meetings first thing in the morning. You need time to think, organise and compose yourself, set your tone for the day. I know if I haven't started my day with goals, lists of tasks I am forever chasing my tail that day.

5. You; just you for 10 mins! Please don’t roll your eyes but practice a little self care; make sure you get out for walk at lunch, do 10 mins of desk yoga, go to the gym when you need to. Staying active is your friend. Download a mindfulness app, do the Daily Calm, it’s 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes may the best 10 mins you give yourself in a day, even if it is to finish that hot cup of coffee.

6. Ask for help. From your partner, family, friends, or just phone a friend and vent. If you are a friend of family member reading this, offer to babysit once in a while. Sometimes parents don't always ask for help, ask late or only when it's urgent.

7. Follow like minded people on social media. Curate your social media and surround yourself with like-minded individuals, filter out content that makes you feel inadequate

8. Adjust your work schedule. Evaluate whether adjusting your work schedule could alleviate the load. I work a 9 day fortnight, I get a day to recharge, catch up. It’s not much and rest assured with both ends of the day have the school run I end up running about, but if I get to the gym without the guilt of feeling I should elsewhere and have a coffee with friends, it can make me feel like myself for a few hours, not mum or an employee.

9. Know Your Worth: Reflect on whether your current situation, including your job, is worth the mental load. Seek employment with companies that appreciate your family commitments.

In my privileged position at Pinterest, I've experienced the benefits of a flexible and supportive workplace and manager. However, I acknowledge that not everyone enjoys such advantages. If you're searching for a better work-life balance, keep an eye out for opportunities that align with your family values.

We are always on the hunt for amazing talent and positions open up all the time so keep an eye out.

And if all else fails, treat yourself to a box of Malteasers and a cup of tea. Sometimes, a little indulgence can help lighten the load, even if it doesn't do wonders for your rear! All the best for the rest of 2023 parents! See you on the other side!

#mothersload #mentalload #parenting #workingmum #motherhood #lightentheload #backtoschool