Tired of Being Alone: The Unspoken Isolation of “having it all”

I’m tired of being alone. As I sit here again in my own thoughts, after dropping my daughter at a class, my mind wonders to my complete forgetfulness, why didn't I arrange to meet someone, or wear my sports kit and go for a run whilst she was in the class! Instead I take a quiet walk down the canal to save sitting in Costa again by myself....."I guess I’ll go browse the middle aisle of Aldi”. Ah the middle aisle of Aldi, a sanctuary for mums on those empty days of shopping….oooh yes I need a screwdriver set and another yoga mat, oh and I’ll take one of those kettle bells too while you’re at it, chuck it in next to the supersized box of "rip off" Cheerios and Quavers. 

Don’t get me wrong my kids are my why and I love them to bits, but working parenthood is one of the loneliest things I have ever done. I feel we are all sailing down the river of lies, lies we were sold about “having it all”, go girl get those top marks, finish that degree, go get that job and climb the corporate ladder - you got this. Work like you don't have kids, parent like you don't work. At what cost? I can't help but feel I am not alone and a swaith of mums are sitting here feeling like this.

Work like you don't have kids, parent like you don't work. At what cost?

The issue is we are a generation of 80's kids, who were brought up on traditional role models in the household but also at time when women were beginning to look outside the home for more fulfilment, outside of the domestic chains and towards the corporate ladder. I devoured movies like Working Girl, sitcoms like Ally McBeal and Friends. They show the happy-go-lucky-life of young females starting out in life and building careers, friendships and partnerships. We're still paving the way and creating modern life for future generations.

However, what nothing prepares you for is the monumental juggle and load when family and working life collide and it all starts to get real. The only movie that showed the raw edges of a women's mind and load in the 90's was Home Alone, and we all know what happened there! Now, I haven't left a child at home, but who's not to say it's coming!

My kids came along and I enjoyed long maternity leaves, 18+ months with my second as I chose not to go back to my role. I've kept long lasting relationships and made new ones. However, I don’t know what happened, Covid? The kids going to school? The complete and utter rise of the digital era? Has something sparked some lingering brain fart in me, I have no idea but all I know is that it’s led to some kind of social black out.  The monumental rise of “busyness” is degrading social connections. 

Has something sparked some lingering brain fart in me, I have no idea but all I know is that it’s led to some kind of social black out.

I feel it at the school gates, at the classes we watch our kids at, when we drop off our kids places, everyone is rushing - dashing somewhere, or my staring into their phones. You can’t even make eye contact to spark a conversations on public transport, at the school gates, parks or otherwise as we’re all neck craned down into a device. 

It’s not just the school gates where parents dash off without a word; it’s the coffee dates that never happen, or the ones that are cut short because someone has to go shopping or make a work call. We all live in a constant state of busyness, and it’s breaking us down.

But there’s a truth many mothers don’t say out loud and I am going to because I am sick and tired of being alone. Despite being surrounded by the noise, energy, and constant needs of our families, many of us are experiencing profound isolation. And you know what? In many ways, we are to blame. We’ve set ourselves up to juggle it all, to be everything to everyone as we continue to carry the batten for the turn of the century women's liberation movement.

Despite being surrounded by the noise, energy, and constant needs of our families, many of us are experiencing profound isolation.

Now, there’s two things being alone and loneliness. Time alone is important to rest and process, and it’s so important to enjoy your own company - which I do frequently and I enjoy my own company - why wouldn't I? I am hilarious! (You honestly don't know what you are missing out on!) However, we can't just sit here and pretend that being alone is healthy. We need connection and that is the difference, too much time alone and the lack of connection day to day is detrimental to our mental health.

Why Are We So Isolated?

The truth is, as mothers, we’ve bought into this idea that we can—and should—do it all. We try to be the best mums, partners, workers, and friends, all while running on empty. We set impossibly high standards for ourselves, and the pressure is relentless. But in trying to meet those standards, we forget to take care of ourselves, let alone nurture our social connections. According to The Economist, parents spend twice as much time with their children as they did 50 years ago! We need to give ourselves a break!

It doesn’t help that we live in a world that glorifies busyness. We wear our packed schedules like badges of honour, and any moment of downtime is seen as an opportunity to do more. We forget that we need to slow down, to let ourselves be present with others, to truly connect in ways that restore us rather than drain us further.

We keep adding to our to-do lists, thinking that one day we’ll catch up, but the truth is, we never will. There will always be one more task, one more errand, one more responsibility pulling us away from the things that really matter—like having a conversation with your partner or friend that doesn’t revolve around logistics, work or the kids, a genuine just “how the bloody hell are you?” deep conversation. 

The Way Forward

So where do we go from here? How do we fight back against this isolation and exhaustion?   Is this just part of the package, the mother’s load?  Are we being cajoled into an anxious disconnected generation or is everyone else out there making meaningful connections and I’m just a complete anomaly?  Tell me to shut up if so and call me anti-social or tell me I’m on introvert.  But somehow I don’t think so, I’ve always been able to make friends easily, connect.  The route cause of the issue is I’m just so busy working, taking care of kids, trying to remember who needs what, when and where everyone else needs to be that I forget to book things in for myself. 

First off: We need to talk about this more. We need to give ourselves permission to feel lonely, to admit that even though motherhood is wonderful, it can also be one of the loneliest roles we’ll ever take on. We need to take time to reach out more and stop sitting in a sea of responsibilities and just let go from time to time! Reclaim our time for things that matter—like real friendships and connections with others who understand what we’re going through.

Secondly; as mums we need to stop filling every void with an opportunity to create more “to do”. As mothers, we’ve been conditioned to think that taking time for ourselves is selfish, but it’s not. It’s necessary. If we’re going to show up fully for our families, we need to nurture the parts of ourselves that have nothing to do with laundry, meal plans, shopping or work meetings and to do list. We need to give ourselves permission to say no to some of the tasks on our to-do lists and say yes to a coffee with a friend that doesn’t have an end time.

Thirdly; we need to create spaces for connection. It’s not enough to smile at another parent during practice or exchange pleasantries at the school gate. We need to start asking real questions, inviting people to sit with us, or invite someone out for a coffee, or along to your latest gathering. Haven't heard from someone in a while, see another mum standing by herself? Even if it feels a little awkward at first just reach out!

Lastly, we need to redefine what it means to be a "good" mother. It’s not about doing everything perfectly or managing every detail of our kids’ lives. You need time to be yourself and make connection, did anyone on their deathbed ever say “I just wish I had cleaned out one more cupboard" Or "I wish I'd just wrote one more email, one more work call"?

A Call for Change

I’m tired of being alone, but I’m also tired of pretending that this loneliness is just part of the deal. It doesn’t have to be. We can change the this if we’re willing to slow down, open up, and let others in. Motherhood is hard enough without the added burden of isolation. We need each other, and it’s time we stop pretending we don’t. The alternative is that we will start to regress from the life we have built, to undo decades of progress in in what we as women have built.

So, here’s to the tired mums sitting in coffee shops alone. Let’s stop sitting alone, stop running on empty, and start making room for what truly matters: look up from that phone and smile, text someone you haven’t heard from in a while, reach out, ask them how they are doing, ask them out for dinner, a coffee, ask them over for a cup of tea, go on an adventure - together - not alone.